My Favorite Love/Hate Relationship

  My best friend/roommate is an insecure Asian that used to be fat and funny and is now skinny and an asshole. I don't wanna give him away but his nickname is a type of transportation, lets just call him Plane. Never in my life have I met someone like Plane. I love him and would do anything for him, and hate him and would leave him stranded on the side of the road all at the same time. When its just us he really is the best friend. I can ask him for advice and he actually listens to me but put Plane in a room full of people and you got a "situation."
  He thinks its funny to make fun of me and play practical jokes.  For Valentines Day this past year he brought home flowers and balloons from his office and put them out for me with a card saying they were from a boy I really liked. I was so excited and surprised, I kept asking if this was a joke and he kept saying no. I couldn't stop smiling and then I looked over and Plane was laughing hysterically. My heart sank, did he really just get me that good? He then proceeded to call every one of our friends and tell them what I just fell for making me look like a complete idiot. I started plotting how I was going to get him back immediately. I believe the next night I may or may not have slapped him in the face 4 times. He takes poking fun to a whole new level: hell.
  He can also be a total sweetheart. I couldn't tell you how many times he's brought me chipotle in bed when I'm too hungover on a Sunday morning. He's bagged all my laundry for me and driven it from our house in Kensington to my parents house in Gaithersburg. He's opened up to me about times when you would actually believe he had a heart. That he cares about girls as more than just one night stands. If I could have this Plane all the time I wouldn't have to yell nearly as much as I do now.
  I don't see my Planey boy coming out of his player dick head ways anytime soon. I don't mind though because I'm just as mean to him as he is to me and when you have a confidence like mine a few ego blows are healthy every once in awhile. Same for him, I have learned to never tell him, "You're so funny!" or, "Wow, you look great! Have you lost weight?" This only fuels evil Plane and make him feel more important. Now I just shoot him down as often as possible. When he calls I ask, "Did you eat carbs today? Your voice sounds fatter." And I make sure to never ever compliment him on his outfit choices.
  Plane will always be one of my closest friends. I made a $1000 bet with him that we won't make out in the next 5 years. I am looking very much forward to collecting that money in 2016.

Shit Just Got Real

My badass tattoo.

  Music is my life. Not many people know, but I have been in love with singing since I was a little kid. When I was younger I was never scared of my talent, I would sing in front of people no problem. Now, there are probably 5 people who have heard me sing in the last 5 years. Its funny, for someone who is so confident I sure am insecure about something I have such a passion for. Classic Amy.
  I wish I had the guts to go for it but like most things the fear of failing keeps me from trying. Yes, I'm finally admitting I'm not perfect. Obviously making it in the music industry isn't an easy thing to do, but I bet the 6 year old inside me would be pretty upset I never tried. I mean lets be real, I'm cuter than Miley and would've made a much better Hannah Montana. If only my dad had a mullet in the 90s and written, "Achey Breaky Heart." Just another one of my problems I can attribute solely to my parents.
  Now, for all you haters out there who have judged me on my tattoo or thought it was dumb, I hope you understand a little better. Music is my therapy. When I'm having a bad day nothing makes me feel better than belting my heart out in the car. This is why I have started to think more recently that I should share some of my stuff. Insecurities can only hold you back for so long, no ones going to hand you your dream it always takes ambition and hard work. So any acoustic guitar players looking for someone to jam with, holler at your girl. Maybe even if I can't be Hannah Montana I can be even better just by being me.

If You Like it, You Probably Can't Put a Ring on it.

  I act like more of a dude than most guys I know. I can't stand being tied down and as soon as someone thinks they are going to occupy my every weekend I'm out the door. Listen bro, just cuz you're hot and we've hung out a few times, maybe had a make out sesh or 2, doesn't mean I'm gonna keep talking to you. I hope you realize you aren't the only guy late night texting me. It's not you, it's me.
  Sometimes I frustrate myself. I've been single for almost 3 years now and I do get lonely and want a special someone around. My problem is I can't find anyone I like more than I like myself. I know, I know, I'm not the most modest but for real, I'm pretty tight. I don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone who bores me when I could entertain myself much better. I can't tell you how many times I've canceled plans with guys because I'd rather look at my profile pictures and watch Stepbrothers. I love the "pink eye" excuse and I also pull the friend in need card. I guess I'm just not ready for commitment or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
  I have A.D.D. to the max, I've had 2 guys in my life hold my attention for longer than a month. I am the queen of wanting what I can't have. I love a challenge and usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. I have a tendency to fall for guys who are emotionally unavailable, basically I like guys who act like me. One day I'll find my perfect blend of asshole and sweetheart, but until then I'm gonna keep using the "pink eye" excuse.

This Post is the Tits

Boobs. Do I have your attention? The best accessory a girl can have is a nice rack. If you didn't get em from yo momma I suggest you invest in a good push up bra, or be like Sammi Sweetheart and wear two at the same time. I have no fashion sense, almost every outfit I own I buy because they make my boobs look good. Lucky for me the powers of birth control have blessed me with awesome tits. Most of the time you can find me bra-less and they still look awesome. I understand that in 20 years these puppies aren't gonna be so pretty anymore, without the helps of plastic surgery, so I like to show them off as best I can while I'm still young.

Low cut scandal, prom 2005

  If your boobs look good you will feel confident and confidence=a lot of attention from boys. If you are lacking in the chest department I have great tips from my pre-birth control days to make sure those bad boys still look awesome. Always stand up straight you slopshow! Good posture makes you look so much better in general but if you're standing tall with your shoulders back and chin up even the ittiest baby boobs will stand out. Always make sure your boobs go out further than your stomach. This should be your tell tale sign that you need to cool it on the chipotle and hit the gym, trust me gf I've been there.  No one likes to diet but as Kate Moss says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Wear really low cut tops. When you have a smaller chest you can get away with super scandalous wardrobe choices while still looking classy. Peep me at prom, if I wore that dress now I'd look like a prostitute. As a woman one of the greatest joys is showing off your curves, so no matter what your size you better work it girl!

Pale Girl in a Tan World

  Have you ever had anyone be legit worried that you might suck their blood? Have you ever had so many freckles blend together that you almost looked tan? Welcome to my life. Being a pale girl in a tan world is rough, especially around summertime. Its not that I don't try! I lay out for hours on the beach get some nice lines then I come inside only to realize that my deep tan is most peoples skin color in the middle of January. Fuck me right?
  Like all my problems, this is all my moms fault. She may of blessed me with beautiful eyes, thick hair, and a nice romp, but bronzed skin…not so much. Whenever my heritage is brought up I say I'm pretty much a mutt but I'm mostly Spanish and Irish. I know what you're thinking my mom must be Irish and thats where I get the pale skin from, nope. The funny thing is she's Spanish but not the good kind of Spanish. You know the girls who look like they have an instant spray tan all year long, that ain't me. Her mom was born in Spain, which for all you idiots out there is in Europe where not everyone has dark skin. People always call bullshit on me so I needed to clear that up.
  I can only work with what I got and this is why spray tans have been one of my best friends since I was 15. The key to spray tans is not going too dark. No one thinks an oompa loompa is sexy girlfriend, unless you're dating a  gorilla head guido (YUCK!). I always stick with a level 1, no bronzer. The invention of the Versa Spa, at Palm Beach Tan, which sprays you then dries you off so you don't have to worry about looking blotchy…next to discovering the enhance button on iPhoto, is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Honestly, where is my nose? Thanks mom.

  I always encounter problems when a certain photographer by the name of MJB takes pictures of me with her camera. I'm so pale and usually the people I'm in the picture with are tan so I end up being completely washed out. Karen likes to say I look like "Casper with a wig on." Its like I don't have a nose all you can see are eyes and lips, WTF. I try to avoid being photographed by her at all costs, including running, ducking, and occasionally pushing to get away.
  When all is said and done, I'm never going to be tan so I gotta deal with it. Lucky for me my freckles are cute and I'll always look innocent no matter how much of a bad girl I actually am. While all you bronze bitches are getting Botox at 30 because of all your sun damage I'll be looking young and wrinkle free, so suck it fools. Pale is the new tan.