Pale Girl in a Tan World

  Have you ever had anyone be legit worried that you might suck their blood? Have you ever had so many freckles blend together that you almost looked tan? Welcome to my life. Being a pale girl in a tan world is rough, especially around summertime. Its not that I don't try! I lay out for hours on the beach get some nice lines then I come inside only to realize that my deep tan is most peoples skin color in the middle of January. Fuck me right?
  Like all my problems, this is all my moms fault. She may of blessed me with beautiful eyes, thick hair, and a nice romp, but bronzed skin…not so much. Whenever my heritage is brought up I say I'm pretty much a mutt but I'm mostly Spanish and Irish. I know what you're thinking my mom must be Irish and thats where I get the pale skin from, nope. The funny thing is she's Spanish but not the good kind of Spanish. You know the girls who look like they have an instant spray tan all year long, that ain't me. Her mom was born in Spain, which for all you idiots out there is in Europe where not everyone has dark skin. People always call bullshit on me so I needed to clear that up.
  I can only work with what I got and this is why spray tans have been one of my best friends since I was 15. The key to spray tans is not going too dark. No one thinks an oompa loompa is sexy girlfriend, unless you're dating a  gorilla head guido (YUCK!). I always stick with a level 1, no bronzer. The invention of the Versa Spa, at Palm Beach Tan, which sprays you then dries you off so you don't have to worry about looking blotchy…next to discovering the enhance button on iPhoto, is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Honestly, where is my nose? Thanks mom.

  I always encounter problems when a certain photographer by the name of MJB takes pictures of me with her camera. I'm so pale and usually the people I'm in the picture with are tan so I end up being completely washed out. Karen likes to say I look like "Casper with a wig on." Its like I don't have a nose all you can see are eyes and lips, WTF. I try to avoid being photographed by her at all costs, including running, ducking, and occasionally pushing to get away.
  When all is said and done, I'm never going to be tan so I gotta deal with it. Lucky for me my freckles are cute and I'll always look innocent no matter how much of a bad girl I actually am. While all you bronze bitches are getting Botox at 30 because of all your sun damage I'll be looking young and wrinkle free, so suck it fools. Pale is the new tan.