Creeps-R-Us aka Facebook

  Facebook is getting less fun every day. Its like every douche bags heaven. Don't fucking poke me. If I've never let you poke me with your dick, then 100% of the time I'm creeped out when you do it on Facebook. What does that even mean? I may just have my mind in the gutter but all I picture is getting poked by a boner and in my head its always a small one, not a good look. Don't get me started on Facebook chat. If you've tried to message or chat me 8 times and I've never answered, guess what? I'm never going to, time to throw in the towel slugger. If you wouldn't talk to the person in real life, don't talk to them on Facebook. Yes, I'm talking to you creeps I met in middle school that I haven't spoken to in at least 8 years that think its ok to "like" random pictures or chat me all the time. I can see Facebook slowly fizzing out. Soon enough it will fade altogether and end up like MySpace and Xanga, may they rest in peace. See you all on Twitter soon suckers.

Fat Kid Problems

   I feel like one day I'm bound to be on "I Used to be Fat." I have a love hate relationship with food. Meaning I just love it so much but it hates me and makes me fat. I have always been blessed with a tiny waist, not so blessed with hips more than double the size and arms that look like they belong on someone who weighs 20 pounds more than I do. It makes me so mad I used to never have to worry about what I ate but as I'm getting older I can see my many trips to Krispy Kreme and Chipotle catching up with me. The thing is I want to be skinny by doing as little as possible so I'm starting a few tricks and seeing if they work.
  Trick 1: Bye bye birth control. The summer I started taking birth control I gained 15 pounds. It didn't look like much because I was so small before and I acquired fantastic boobs, but of course I noticed. I'm not getting enough action right now to worry about being pregnant so there really isn't a point for me to stay on it. Plus I keep telling myself that if I stop taking birth control that I'll go right back to my prior weight, fingers crossed.
  Trick 2: No eating after 8 pm. I would say 1/3 of my calorie intake is late night snacking. Moving back in with my parents has not helped at all. After their weekly Costco trips our house is filled with the most dank snacks. Dried mangos, caramel popcorn, pretzels, cookies, chocolate, basically a fat kids wet dream. Cutting this stuff out at night will be depressing but being skinny and hot will be sure to cure that depression quick.
  Trick 3: Walks/ jogs, but lets be real mostly walks. I played sports all year round for 8 years but now have the endurance of Rosie O'Donnell. Like a classic fat kid I have asthma, as the weather gets colder my airways constrict. So you can catch me lookin fly around Rabbitt Rd with my inhaler in one hand and my iPhone playing Justin Bieber Pandora in the other. Time to get this ass in gear.
   If I can do all this, lose weight, but keep my ass and boobs my life will be complete. Halloween is right around the corner and as a girl who has always been a huge fan of the one night of the year no one can judge you for dressing like a slut, I will be looking great. If not, I'll untag all Facebook pics so you will never know anyways!

If You Like it, You Probably Can't Put a Ring on it.

  I act like more of a dude than most guys I know. I can't stand being tied down and as soon as someone thinks they are going to occupy my every weekend I'm out the door. Listen bro, just cuz you're hot and we've hung out a few times, maybe had a make out sesh or 2, doesn't mean I'm gonna keep talking to you. I hope you realize you aren't the only guy late night texting me. It's not you, it's me.
  Sometimes I frustrate myself. I've been single for almost 3 years now and I do get lonely and want a special someone around. My problem is I can't find anyone I like more than I like myself. I know, I know, I'm not the most modest but for real, I'm pretty tight. I don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone who bores me when I could entertain myself much better. I can't tell you how many times I've canceled plans with guys because I'd rather look at my profile pictures and watch Stepbrothers. I love the "pink eye" excuse and I also pull the friend in need card. I guess I'm just not ready for commitment or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
  I have A.D.D. to the max, I've had 2 guys in my life hold my attention for longer than a month. I am the queen of wanting what I can't have. I love a challenge and usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. I have a tendency to fall for guys who are emotionally unavailable, basically I like guys who act like me. One day I'll find my perfect blend of asshole and sweetheart, but until then I'm gonna keep using the "pink eye" excuse.