Fat Kid Problems

   I feel like one day I'm bound to be on "I Used to be Fat." I have a love hate relationship with food. Meaning I just love it so much but it hates me and makes me fat. I have always been blessed with a tiny waist, not so blessed with hips more than double the size and arms that look like they belong on someone who weighs 20 pounds more than I do. It makes me so mad I used to never have to worry about what I ate but as I'm getting older I can see my many trips to Krispy Kreme and Chipotle catching up with me. The thing is I want to be skinny by doing as little as possible so I'm starting a few tricks and seeing if they work.
  Trick 1: Bye bye birth control. The summer I started taking birth control I gained 15 pounds. It didn't look like much because I was so small before and I acquired fantastic boobs, but of course I noticed. I'm not getting enough action right now to worry about being pregnant so there really isn't a point for me to stay on it. Plus I keep telling myself that if I stop taking birth control that I'll go right back to my prior weight, fingers crossed.
  Trick 2: No eating after 8 pm. I would say 1/3 of my calorie intake is late night snacking. Moving back in with my parents has not helped at all. After their weekly Costco trips our house is filled with the most dank snacks. Dried mangos, caramel popcorn, pretzels, cookies, chocolate, basically a fat kids wet dream. Cutting this stuff out at night will be depressing but being skinny and hot will be sure to cure that depression quick.
  Trick 3: Walks/ jogs, but lets be real mostly walks. I played sports all year round for 8 years but now have the endurance of Rosie O'Donnell. Like a classic fat kid I have asthma, as the weather gets colder my airways constrict. So you can catch me lookin fly around Rabbitt Rd with my inhaler in one hand and my iPhone playing Justin Bieber Pandora in the other. Time to get this ass in gear.
   If I can do all this, lose weight, but keep my ass and boobs my life will be complete. Halloween is right around the corner and as a girl who has always been a huge fan of the one night of the year no one can judge you for dressing like a slut, I will be looking great. If not, I'll untag all Facebook pics so you will never know anyways!

This Post is the Tits

Boobs. Do I have your attention? The best accessory a girl can have is a nice rack. If you didn't get em from yo momma I suggest you invest in a good push up bra, or be like Sammi Sweetheart and wear two at the same time. I have no fashion sense, almost every outfit I own I buy because they make my boobs look good. Lucky for me the powers of birth control have blessed me with awesome tits. Most of the time you can find me bra-less and they still look awesome. I understand that in 20 years these puppies aren't gonna be so pretty anymore, without the helps of plastic surgery, so I like to show them off as best I can while I'm still young.

Low cut scandal, prom 2005

  If your boobs look good you will feel confident and confidence=a lot of attention from boys. If you are lacking in the chest department I have great tips from my pre-birth control days to make sure those bad boys still look awesome. Always stand up straight you slopshow! Good posture makes you look so much better in general but if you're standing tall with your shoulders back and chin up even the ittiest baby boobs will stand out. Always make sure your boobs go out further than your stomach. This should be your tell tale sign that you need to cool it on the chipotle and hit the gym, trust me gf I've been there.  No one likes to diet but as Kate Moss says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Wear really low cut tops. When you have a smaller chest you can get away with super scandalous wardrobe choices while still looking classy. Peep me at prom, if I wore that dress now I'd look like a prostitute. As a woman one of the greatest joys is showing off your curves, so no matter what your size you better work it girl!