I feel like one day I'm bound to be on "I Used to be Fat." I have a love hate relationship with food. Meaning I just love it so much but it hates me and makes me fat. I have always been blessed with a tiny waist, not so blessed with hips more than double the size and arms that look like they belong on someone who weighs 20 pounds more than I do. It makes me so mad I used to never have to worry about what I ate but as I'm getting older I can see my many trips to Krispy Kreme and Chipotle catching up with me. The thing is I want to be skinny by doing as little as possible so I'm starting a few tricks and seeing if they work.
Trick 1: Bye bye birth control. The summer I started taking birth control I gained 15 pounds. It didn't look like much because I was so small before and I acquired fantastic boobs, but of course I noticed. I'm not getting enough action right now to worry about being pregnant so there really isn't a point for me to stay on it. Plus I keep telling myself that if I stop taking birth control that I'll go right back to my prior weight, fingers crossed.
Trick 2: No eating after 8 pm. I would say 1/3 of my calorie intake is late night snacking. Moving back in with my parents has not helped at all. After their weekly Costco trips our house is filled with the most dank snacks. Dried mangos, caramel popcorn, pretzels, cookies, chocolate, basically a fat kids wet dream. Cutting this stuff out at night will be depressing but being skinny and hot will be sure to cure that depression quick.
Trick 3: Walks/ jogs, but lets be real mostly walks. I played sports all year round for 8 years but now have the endurance of Rosie O'Donnell. Like a classic fat kid I have asthma, as the weather gets colder my airways constrict. So you can catch me lookin fly around Rabbitt Rd with my inhaler in one hand and my iPhone playing Justin Bieber Pandora in the other. Time to get this ass in gear.
If I can do all this, lose weight, but keep my ass and boobs my life will be complete. Halloween is right around the corner and as a girl who has always been a huge fan of the one night of the year no one can judge you for dressing like a slut, I will be looking great. If not, I'll untag all Facebook pics so you will never know anyways!
Waist, not waste. Yeah, I'm gonna be that guy. Deal with it. The rest I shall respond to number by number:
ReplyDelete1) Hot girls who complain about not getting laid elicit sympathy like, well, let's say billionaires complaining about taxes. (Topical! Booyah!)
2) I know it's just a cliche, but why do people always assume food would be a fat kid's wet dream? I mean, it's food. You eat it. You don't really dream about it, unless it's something specific you miss from your childhood, but even then it's not sexual. In all likelihood, you're the wet dream of every fat kid you've ever known. Should you happen to have snacks, that's just, uh, gravy. I mean, icing on the cake. Damn my clumsy metaphors!
3) Well, no notes. This all seems in order.
I fixed that waist mishap before I got the notification for this comment, so I win.
ReplyDelete1) I'm not complaining about getting laid, I was simply stating a fact.
2) Food is my wet dream. I think about it from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. I just figured most other fat kids are like me.
3) Get in the kitchen and make me some god damn brussel sprouts.
1) Blame the Jew in me. Spend time in combat, all you see are threats. Spend your life dissatisfied, all you see are complaints. Think of it as a perpetual bitchy stress disorder; PBSD instead of PTSD.
ReplyDelete2) You might want to see a therapist about that. Sounds more like an infatuation or obsession. Should it take on a sexual connotation, or you require food to become aroused (see that episode of Seinfeld with the pastrami), that sounds more like sitophilia.
3) Go get some Brussels sprouts, tell me when and where. More important, you know I can cook other things, right? For some time now, I've been putting off making stew. Might do that this evening.