Shit Just Got Real

My badass tattoo.

  Music is my life. Not many people know, but I have been in love with singing since I was a little kid. When I was younger I was never scared of my talent, I would sing in front of people no problem. Now, there are probably 5 people who have heard me sing in the last 5 years. Its funny, for someone who is so confident I sure am insecure about something I have such a passion for. Classic Amy.
  I wish I had the guts to go for it but like most things the fear of failing keeps me from trying. Yes, I'm finally admitting I'm not perfect. Obviously making it in the music industry isn't an easy thing to do, but I bet the 6 year old inside me would be pretty upset I never tried. I mean lets be real, I'm cuter than Miley and would've made a much better Hannah Montana. If only my dad had a mullet in the 90s and written, "Achey Breaky Heart." Just another one of my problems I can attribute solely to my parents.
  Now, for all you haters out there who have judged me on my tattoo or thought it was dumb, I hope you understand a little better. Music is my therapy. When I'm having a bad day nothing makes me feel better than belting my heart out in the car. This is why I have started to think more recently that I should share some of my stuff. Insecurities can only hold you back for so long, no ones going to hand you your dream it always takes ambition and hard work. So any acoustic guitar players looking for someone to jam with, holler at your girl. Maybe even if I can't be Hannah Montana I can be even better just by being me.

If You Like it, You Probably Can't Put a Ring on it.

  I act like more of a dude than most guys I know. I can't stand being tied down and as soon as someone thinks they are going to occupy my every weekend I'm out the door. Listen bro, just cuz you're hot and we've hung out a few times, maybe had a make out sesh or 2, doesn't mean I'm gonna keep talking to you. I hope you realize you aren't the only guy late night texting me. It's not you, it's me.
  Sometimes I frustrate myself. I've been single for almost 3 years now and I do get lonely and want a special someone around. My problem is I can't find anyone I like more than I like myself. I know, I know, I'm not the most modest but for real, I'm pretty tight. I don't want to waste my time hanging out with someone who bores me when I could entertain myself much better. I can't tell you how many times I've canceled plans with guys because I'd rather look at my profile pictures and watch Stepbrothers. I love the "pink eye" excuse and I also pull the friend in need card. I guess I'm just not ready for commitment or maybe I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
  I have A.D.D. to the max, I've had 2 guys in my life hold my attention for longer than a month. I am the queen of wanting what I can't have. I love a challenge and usually it comes back to bite me in the ass. I have a tendency to fall for guys who are emotionally unavailable, basically I like guys who act like me. One day I'll find my perfect blend of asshole and sweetheart, but until then I'm gonna keep using the "pink eye" excuse.

This Post is the Tits

Boobs. Do I have your attention? The best accessory a girl can have is a nice rack. If you didn't get em from yo momma I suggest you invest in a good push up bra, or be like Sammi Sweetheart and wear two at the same time. I have no fashion sense, almost every outfit I own I buy because they make my boobs look good. Lucky for me the powers of birth control have blessed me with awesome tits. Most of the time you can find me bra-less and they still look awesome. I understand that in 20 years these puppies aren't gonna be so pretty anymore, without the helps of plastic surgery, so I like to show them off as best I can while I'm still young.

Low cut scandal, prom 2005

  If your boobs look good you will feel confident and confidence=a lot of attention from boys. If you are lacking in the chest department I have great tips from my pre-birth control days to make sure those bad boys still look awesome. Always stand up straight you slopshow! Good posture makes you look so much better in general but if you're standing tall with your shoulders back and chin up even the ittiest baby boobs will stand out. Always make sure your boobs go out further than your stomach. This should be your tell tale sign that you need to cool it on the chipotle and hit the gym, trust me gf I've been there.  No one likes to diet but as Kate Moss says, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Wear really low cut tops. When you have a smaller chest you can get away with super scandalous wardrobe choices while still looking classy. Peep me at prom, if I wore that dress now I'd look like a prostitute. As a woman one of the greatest joys is showing off your curves, so no matter what your size you better work it girl!

Pale Girl in a Tan World

  Have you ever had anyone be legit worried that you might suck their blood? Have you ever had so many freckles blend together that you almost looked tan? Welcome to my life. Being a pale girl in a tan world is rough, especially around summertime. Its not that I don't try! I lay out for hours on the beach get some nice lines then I come inside only to realize that my deep tan is most peoples skin color in the middle of January. Fuck me right?
  Like all my problems, this is all my moms fault. She may of blessed me with beautiful eyes, thick hair, and a nice romp, but bronzed skin…not so much. Whenever my heritage is brought up I say I'm pretty much a mutt but I'm mostly Spanish and Irish. I know what you're thinking my mom must be Irish and thats where I get the pale skin from, nope. The funny thing is she's Spanish but not the good kind of Spanish. You know the girls who look like they have an instant spray tan all year long, that ain't me. Her mom was born in Spain, which for all you idiots out there is in Europe where not everyone has dark skin. People always call bullshit on me so I needed to clear that up.
  I can only work with what I got and this is why spray tans have been one of my best friends since I was 15. The key to spray tans is not going too dark. No one thinks an oompa loompa is sexy girlfriend, unless you're dating a  gorilla head guido (YUCK!). I always stick with a level 1, no bronzer. The invention of the Versa Spa, at Palm Beach Tan, which sprays you then dries you off so you don't have to worry about looking blotchy…next to discovering the enhance button on iPhoto, is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Honestly, where is my nose? Thanks mom.

  I always encounter problems when a certain photographer by the name of MJB takes pictures of me with her camera. I'm so pale and usually the people I'm in the picture with are tan so I end up being completely washed out. Karen likes to say I look like "Casper with a wig on." Its like I don't have a nose all you can see are eyes and lips, WTF. I try to avoid being photographed by her at all costs, including running, ducking, and occasionally pushing to get away.
  When all is said and done, I'm never going to be tan so I gotta deal with it. Lucky for me my freckles are cute and I'll always look innocent no matter how much of a bad girl I actually am. While all you bronze bitches are getting Botox at 30 because of all your sun damage I'll be looking young and wrinkle free, so suck it fools. Pale is the new tan.

The Sad Tale of a Post-Grad

Four years and $100K of college tuition has led me straight to the same place I started: my parent's basement. Yea I went to Europe for the month of July... but it wasn't your "oh yeah after college I went backpacking with some people and met other people and got really high in Amsterdam" type of trip. It was more like "yeah I stayed in 5-star hotels and had really nice dinners with my parents who go to sleep before I wake up." So honestly... I have no idea why Amy would ask me to write for her site. Other than seeing some ruins and famous stuff in Europe, I've spent the summer posted up my parent's couch with Costco's generic diet green tea bottles and utz potato chips, the rippled kind obviously. I have no real life experience, no future plans and the only thing on my to-do list today is to take a shower. And in between the on-demand episodes of Weeds on a Friday night, I wonder how I got back here? Three months ago I was falling asleep on my porch and going to the bar in pajamas, because I could. Three months ago the only decision I had was how much did I have to study for tomorrow's test before I could go to the bars. I can't even remember the last time I went to a bar where the girls were slutty and the boys were fun. For the first time in my life, I actually have to skip the eyeshadow and Victoria Secret's glitter puff because it's "too much." I don't know whats happening in my life, but all I know is if I can't show up to a bar in a tube dress, heels and gold hoops.. count. me. out.

Twitter: Where Normal Hot Girls Feel Important

  I love Twitter. Unlike Facebook, I only have to follow people I actually want to hear from and people can see how awesome and funny I am in 160 characters or less. The best part though is being an attractive girl on twitter, there can be many benefits.
  The most important part of your page, if you can manage being an attractive girl, is your picture. I am very critical about mine, I obviously pick out my best close up. Requirements are as follows, big smile, good hair, little bit of cleavage (but not enough to make you look like a whore), and cute form fitting clothes. The reason your picture on Twitter is way more important than your picture on Facebook is on twitter you may actually have the opportunity to interact with your favorite celebs, musicians, and athletes.
  Now I don't want to brag, but twitter has done some pretty big things for me. I have been DMed (or direct messaged for all you newbs out there) by a couple Capitals players and a certain mega star you might've seen as a coach on a show called "The Voice." Every time I was messaged though I wasn't ever expecting a response. The key is to never look desperate or like you're trying to get attention. Kind of like getting guys in real life, the more desperate you look the more you ain't getting shit back. One of those messages never panned out but the other 2 are great stories for another day and another post (stay tuned).
  To be a #boss on twitter you must #riseandgrind and piss excellence, reply to all the celebs you love without looking like a psycho, be clever and get all the RTs you can. If you can't manage that than #sorrynotsorry but twitter just ain't you.

Bieber Nation

  The amount of dreams I've had about Justin Bieber could get me arrested. I am a 22 year old woman and have never been known for cradle robbing but for some reason I just can't get that beautiful 17 year old out of my mind. I'm the first to admit I used to be a legit Bieber hater, but Never Say Never seriously changed my life. We've all heard the term "Bieber fever" and rolled our eyes but this fever is no joke. I've personally seen many haters come down with the symptoms.
  It all starts when the movie begins, you see little baby Justin playing the drums and singing his heart out and you realize he isn't just some Disney protégé, this kid has serious talent. Along with the fact that he comes from teen parents and was mostly brought up by his perfectly adorable grandparents, how can you not fall in love?! By the time the concert footage starts your already swept up in the madness and have no hopes of recovering, you officially have full on Bieber fever and will soon declare yourself a "belieber." By the time he performs "One Less Lonely Girl" and brings a girl on stage you are screaming, "I WANNA BE THE LONELY GIRRRRRL!!!" Ok, maybe that was just me but this adolescent is seriously swoon worthy.
  If you think you are safe from the fever after the movie is over you are sorely mistaken. I have only fallen deeper in love since seeing Never Say Never for the first time and the Biebs has only gotten more beautiful. His hair is shorter, his voice is lower, he has a more sexy demeanor at this point I would kick a small child if it meant I could be close to Justin. Nevermind that he was born the same year I went to Kindergarten, one day he will be mine. Just gotta wait 6 months and 2 weeks til its legal, unless I find him in Canada where the age of consent is 14. Watch out boo, I'll fiiiind you!